A Confession

I am young. Too young. But at the same time, I am tired of living. I am tired of dreaming of a better life. Dreaming of a life full of joy and dreams that are fulfilled. I want to learn. I want to experience something. I am yearning for something incredible to happen.

I want to sing, to dance, to write, to love, to live, to speak, to believe, to travel, to be strong, to learn, to scream, to fight, to be heard, to laugh, to inspire, to be inspired, to be free, to cook, to make, to play, to act, to create. But above all of these, I want to be happy. I want my dreams to become true. They shouldn't just be dreams, they should be reality. But I am young, naive.

I have to apologize for my bad english. But it feels great to open my heart and let it all come out. All of my deepest feelings.

I feel empty. Lost. Just like so many others at my own age. But is this empty feeling really necessary? Do we youngsters have to feel lost and empty to be able to find our selves?

I don't feel beautiful. I think I am ugly. Fat. Unworthy. And of course - ungrateful. I live in a house, I have food on the table, I do have a family, I have arms and legs and every body part that I am supposed to, I have clothes, I have my own bedroom with a computer, bed, bookshelf with books, a wardrobe and everything I would need to survive, I guess. And the most important thing - I am not dying of some kind of sickness.

So why I am still feeling empty? Why am I ungrateful? Is it because others achieve more than me? Is it because other people get to experience and learn the things I want? I don't know. The only thing I know now, is the fact that I feel miserable. And I am even ashamed by the fact that I feel this way.

I find myself tired of being rejected, ignored and overheard. Just like any teenager, I feel misunderstood. I feel like no one understands me. Is this really necessary? By getting rejected, will I ever feel stronger?
Do I have to be ignored and overheard so I can grow up? Is this really a matter? Does a human being really need to be rejected and ignored in order to grow up and be strong? If this really is a matter, then why do I see grown ups around me being so weak? Am I supposed to follow their path? I don't find it very convincing, that if I do follow their path, I will be strong and happy.

I believe  that I should make my own path, but how? I am being ignored, rejected and overheard. Then should I just keep on fighting? Keep on trying to make my own path, even though others look at me like I am some kind of freak? Then maybe, I should be the one ignoring others. I should ignore their looks and sceptic thoughts, and just keep on doing my things.

I shall let the inner me come out. I shall release my inner beast.